


Kiss me if I'm wrong

by Delilah2040



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Crack, Cuddling & Snuggling, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, M/M, Oblivious Stiles Stilinski, Pack Feels, Pick-Up Lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:01:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23513560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delilah2040/pseuds/Delilah2040
Summary: 10 times Derek tries to show Stiles he's interested through bad pick up lines and the one time it works
Relationships: Derek Hale & The Pack, Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski & The Pack
Comments: 6
Kudos: 369





	Kiss me if I'm wrong

In psychology a person who has a martyr complex, sometimes associated with the term "victim complex", desires the feeling of being a martyr for their own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it either feeds a psychological need or a desire to avoid responsibility

Derek had a sort of martyr complex and everyone knew it. even the man himself. It had started off as a form of self-punishment for his perceived hand in his families demise, he saw his pain, his potential death as him just getting what he deserved.

Over time, however, with help from the pack, his friends and family, his martyrdom slowly evolved to a point where it no longer truly existed.

Derek Hale finally came to the understanding that the Hale fire wasn't his fault, that Boyd and Erica's deaths weren't entirely his fault. That despite the hand he had in those deaths, he was not the direct cause of it and therefore did not deserve to be punished.

Derek Hale finally came to the realisation that he did, in fact, deserve nice things. And he knew just the nice thing that he wanted.

1\. I'm in the mood for pizza, a pizza you

It started on a Friday night, pack night. Everyone was lazing around in Derek's newly dolled up- curtesy of Lydia- loft as Stiles attempted to make the entire pack suffer through star wars episode II: Attack of the clones, arguably the worst Starwars movie made, when Derek had, what he thought to be the best idea ever.

Pick up lines.

They accurately display your intentions while providing comedic value that someone like Stiles would definitely appreciate.

And with that, he had the perfect one.

Of course, Derek really should have known better than to bring up food at a pack meeting. He had turned to Stiles who had been sitting sprawled out across the couch next to him and said "hey Stiles, I'm in the mood for pizza, a -" before getting cut off by the well-meaning bottomless pit that is Isaac Lahey.

"Dude that's a great idea! let's get pizza!" Isaac had shouted before even giving his alpha a chance to finish the pick up line.

That is how Derek found himself surrounded by $200 worth of pizza, a passed out pack and the same exact spot when it comes to wooing Stiles with humour.

2\. I was wondering if you had an extra heart cause you just stole mine/ mines been stolen

The next time it happened, was a Wednesday. Derek had nothing better to do and knew for a fact that Stiles didn't either, judging by the periodic texts he was getting from the younger boy consisting of facts about tea and its role in preventing china from being colonised by the British.

Derek decided to climb up into Stiles bedroom, allowing himself to land with a thump to announce his presence. still, somehow, Stiles was startled enough to fall out of his chair.

"Hey man, what are you doing here?" Stiles had said with one of his adorable heart-stopping smiles that made it feel like the sun was shining down on you after a long cold winter locked away.

Yeah, Derek was seriously gone on the son of the Sheriff.

That smile of his had rattled Derek's confidence so when he began to speak, it was with a slight tremble.

"I was wondering if you had an extra heart," He stopped to take a breath before realising his mistake. The man he was talking to would always fill any silence in the room. including one as small as what Derek had inadvertently allowed.

"what like a time lord?" Stiles had jumped in immediately. "You know they have two hearts, and I was thinking from an evolutionary standpoint, wouldn't it make sense for humans to evolve to have multiple hearts? like a backup? like we have two kidneys? and considering supernaturals are probably caused by deviation in evolution? either that or some wicked crossbreeding, anyway, wouldn't you say its probably safe to assume that something like a time lord would have to exist?" Stiles had gone on, anyone who didn't know him would assume he had put a lot of thought into this, those who did would know that his brain was simply working too fast for him to even really consider the words that were falling off his tongue.

Derek was just fascinated, not only by the incredible depth this man could go into about something so theoretical but the simple way his mouth moved to form the words or the way that his tongue would flick out and moisten his pink lips.

Frankly, it was distracting.

"Why do you need a spare heart anyway? and why are you assuming I have one? Just cause I practice a little magic here and there doesn't mean I'm going to have a random heart lying in my freezer. Ask Deaton," Stiles says before finally getting up off the floor from where he had been looking up at Derek with his doe-like eyes.

"Yeah, I- uh, I'm going to go, see you on Friday Stiles," Derek had said in order to make his quick escape practically launching himself out the window.

That's how Derek found himself once again back in the loft yet to actually woo the man he wanted with humour.

3\. If you were a phaser on Star Trek, you'd be set to stun!

The third time, Derek actually managed to get the whole pick up line out. Unfortunately, his timing could have been improved.

There was a new big bad in town, an Abarimon or antipode known to be people whose feet are turned backwards, but in spite of this handicap were able to run at great speed. Of course, the reality was a bit more than just that, these creatures were human in the loosest terms. Far more savage than most with a taste for blood, an incredible amount of strength and essentially, invincibility.

Not only where these beasts able to run fast, but they were also able to heal fast, faster than even an alpha werewolf.

Of course, they didn't know this until it was too late.

The beast had tumbled to the ground, a branch of a mountain ash tree in its chest.

Derek had turned to the boy to see those honey-brown eyes already turned on him lit up with the joy of surviving once again, with a smile on his lips and an adrenaline-fuelled confidence boost he said "Hey Stiles, If you were a phaser on star trek, you'd be set to stun,"

Stiles' smile widens as he lets out a laugh right before he's thrown into a nearby tree and crumples to the ground.

"Stiles!" Derek had shouted despite hearing the boys heartbeat slow and even out in a way that was only possible when he was unconscious.

Later that day while in the hospital, Stiles told Derek a new fact, apparently getting hit in the head, specifically a concussion, quite often causes memory loss of the 20-30 minutes before the incident. He had gone on to talk about brain regions like the hippocampus and frontal lobe and other smart person stuff that went right over Dereks head.

Well, at least Stiles forgetting it happened was better than the possible rejection Derek could have gotten.

4\. it's handy that I have my library card cause I'm totally checking you out

Stile's less than trusty jeep broke down the following Sunday. It just happened to be the Sunday before Scott's birthday. So when stiles called up Derek asking for a ride to the shops and some company, Derek took his chance.

They had been walking around for almost an hour before Derek gained the courage to say another ridiculous pick up line, they had gone to several different shops and were stopping for food now. "You know, it's handy i have my library card,"

"wait you have a library card? oh my god, now I'm just imagining you lurking around a library, like what would you even do at a library? do you read normal books?" Stiles interrupts.

"Of course I read normal books Stiles," Derek replies exasperated, he's not even sure why he's surprised that Stiles' neverending chatter had once again managed to derail his flirting attempts. Of course he also couldn't bring himself to mind all that much, he loved hearing the happy tone of stiles' voice as they rib and tease each other, he loved the happy and contempt smell that wafted off of Stiles whenever he made any inclination that he was actually listening to the boy.

While he may not have been able to actually get to finish his frankly atrocious pick up line, he did get to spend time with Stiles, help him pick out a pair of horrible stereotypical werewolf motorcycle helmets that he knew Scott would get a laugh out of. He had also gotten some clothes he thought Stiles' partner in crime would like.

In addition to this, he also managed to get about a month's worth of teasing about the library card that he didn't even have.

5\. feel my shirt, its made of boyfriend material

Derek knew he shouldn't be as surprised as he is about the fact that somehow, Stiles has yet to even realise that Derek was trying to flirt with him and had somehow managed to interrupt almost all of his attempts at pick up lines.

Everyone knows that Scotts oblivious, fewer people know just how oblivious the son of the sheriff can sometimes manage to be.

And so, Derek enlisted one of the smartest people he knew, one of Stiles best friends.

Lydia Martin.

"So what did you need me for Derek? where's everyone else?" Lydia had asked upon her arrival to the loft.

"Just you, no big bad, I need your help... on a personal matter," Derek had said, sentences stilted in a what they hadn't really been since just after Scott had been turned, since just after he was thrust into teaching and trusting a bunch of teenagers that he's now watched grow into actual adults.

"Okay," the redhead had said drawing out the word, "What personal matter? are you finally going to act on those feelings of yours for stiles?"

"Yes actually, have been trying to for the past couple of weeks but it's not easy, that's for sure," Derek grumbles. "I need pick up lines,"

"I'm sorry what?" Lydia said so shocked she actually froze. Once she'd processed what the alpha had said, the only thing stopping her from bursting out laughing at the older man was the serious glare he was giving her and the inkling of respect he'd earned himself. "What exactly makes you think I can help you there? and why pick up lines?"

"I thought Stiles would at least find it funny, charming even," Derek winces, "and I'm asking you because you're his friend and I'm assuming you have probably heard your fair share of laughable pick up lines, being as beautiful as you are," He hesitates on the compliment desire knowing that with Lydia, flattery will get you everywhere, well at least if you're someone she cares about and Derek sure hopes at this point he is.

"Okay I'll help, but only because it's about time you got your heads out of your asses, everyone's been waiting for pack mom and pack dad to become pack mom and dad," He can't help but blush at the insulation, despite how fitting it may be.

it takes them a while but they come up with a few new pick up lines together, all while Lydia drinks him all out of raspberry lemonade in 'payment'

She even gave him the perfect excuse to see Stiles again as she picked up the phone and dialled the boy. "Hey, could you take Derek to the shops? he's run out of raspberry lemonade and I don't trust him to get the right brand,"

"Yeah, of course, Lyds," Derek here's the other mans voice echo through the phone, "but I mean really of all people who would know what brand you like Derek -"

and with that, Lydia cuts him off with a quick 'thanks, come pick Derek up now' before hanging up.

Lydia leaves just before their resident spark shows up throwing a 'good luck' over her shoulder as she walks out the door.

not fifteen minutes later, Derek is pushing a trolly down the soft drink aisle with one Stiles Stilinski bouncing from foot to foot beside him.

"hey Stiles, feel my shirt, it's made of-" Derek is cut off by Stiles long slim fingers caressing his chest, or rather the shirt covering.

He watched as the younger mand eyes lit up as he jumps in with "cotton!" and goes on to explain the history of cotton, detailing everything from its origin in Pakistan and Egypt around 3,000 BC, to the American cotton farms and slave movement, to the parallels between that and the modern-day sweatshops in underdeveloped and developing countries.

despite the seriousness of the topic, Derek could see the morbid curiosity that must have fuelled this particular Wikipedia dive. The same morbid curiosity that likely caused stiles to wander into the preserve at night in the search of a body that had essentially been through a Hemicorporectomy (the amputation of a body from the waist down)

He wasn't entirely sure when it happened, but as he watched the man by his sides' mole splattered appendages gesturing, moving and flailing wildly as he continues to detail the radical human rights abuses occurring in the fashion industry with eyes alight with knowledge that can't wait to be shared Derek knew. Derek knew that this man wasn't just a 'nice thing,' nor was he just the man he liked, Derek knew that he'd called in love with Stiles Stilinski.

6\. If you and I were socks, we'd make a great pair! (looks over to see stiles sleeping)

it wasn't until the next Friday, the next pack night, that Derek got another chance to pull out one of his ridiculous pick up lines. Once again, back in the loft, this time with the keen and not at all subtle eyes of the pack waiting impatiently for something to happen like that little kid on the bike with the bubble gum in 'the Incredibles' which is what Isaac had picked for the movie of the night.

No one had the heart to disagree with the curly-haired boy when he whipped out the puppy dog eyes and the story about how he never got to watch many movies when he was little because of his dad. The smirk the boy had after everyone agreed told Derek that the kid knew exactly what he was doing, and he couldn't even fault him for it.

It took him until almost the end of the night when the rest of the pack had finally taken their eyes off the Alpha and the boy who he loved who just happened to be leaning with his back pressed up against the older man's side in order to extend his legs across the rest of the couch.

With that he leans in closer to stiles ear to whisper, hoping that would at least provide him some pretence of privacy, "if we were socks, we'd be a perfect pair,"

He expected a chuckle, or for the boy to try to move away from him but instead, he remained still. Derek lent forward again, this time to better listen to stiles breathing and heart rate.

"Dude i think he's sleeping," Scott says in a low whisper from the other side of the room just as Derek comes to the same conclusion.

He lets out a condescending chuckle at himself. Yet again, a failed attempt.

7\. are you a parking ticket cause you've got fine all over you

Honestly, at this point, Derek should have known better.

They were on the way back from defeating yet another supernatural creature that wanted to devour human beings, a Jiaolong or jiao this time, a dragon of Chinese origin, often defined as a "scaled dragon"; it is hornless according to certain scholars, and said to be aquatic or river-dwelling. It may have referred to a species of crocodile.

Well, it may have been hornless but it definitely wasn't clawless.

Hence why Derek was sitting shotgun in the jeep instead of driving his own can home.

Even with his werewolf abilities, he still felt the need to grip the seat below him as Stiles speed carelessly down the dark windy road. That's when he comes up with what he thinks is the best pick up like for the situation.

"Stiles, are you a parking ticket cause you've got fine written all over you,"

stiles lets out a small huff of annoyance surprising Derek, he'd been expecting either a chuckle or a flat out rejection.

"Dude i know I'm a bad driver who speeds too much cause he's a brat and knows he can get away with it but that doesn't make it my whole personality," Stiles responds loudly, though to dereks surprise (and appreciation) he does slow down to a more reasonable speed.

Derek just sighs and sinks back into what's become 'his chair' in the jeep, one he'd inadvertly called dibs on through the amount of times he'd bled on it.

8\. I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away

the next time Derek tried a pick up line was right before they went into yet another battle, a Tailypo, a creature of North American folklore, particularly in Appalachia. A powerful animal, that takes revenge on those who steal its tail. Alternate names include Taileybone, Taileybones, Tailbones, Taily Po, Taileypo, Tailey Po and Tailipoe. Most often the Tailypo legends are simply titled "Tailypo."

Apparently, a bunch of juniors as the highschool had stolen it's tail on a dare and were now paying for it in extreme measures.

One of the members of the group had woken up the following morning with certain... extremities missing.

Despite the severity of the situation, Derek figured there was no time like the present, and in a place like beacon hills, that was especially true, where this shit happens all the time.

"I hope you know CPR cause -" this time he's cut off with a snort, "Of course I know CPR, everyone's always in danger or dying in this place its a valuable skill," Stiles says with a chuckle before walking out of Deatons office where they had been preparing.

Derek doesn't even try to hide the fact that he was staring at Stiles' tail end as he walked out of the room from Deaton himself who had heard of the Alpha's plans and attempts from Scott.

9\. Don't tell me if you want me to take you out to dinner. Just smile for yes, or do a backflip/somersault/counter-spin gymnastics combination for no.

Derek was starting to think he needed a new plan, he had tried time and time again to make stiles laugh, and maybe possibly consider dating him with his dumb pick up lines and yes nothing had worked, either due to stiles own obliviousness or chatter or other outside factors.

this one was one recommended by Jackson, surprisingly, even he just wanted the two pack leaders to get together already and so, the next time Derek found himself alone with stiles, which just happened to be by coincidence in the supermarket, he asked: "Don't tell me if you want me to take you out to dinner. Just smile for yes, or do a backflip for no" with a smile of course.

"Dude say no more, I'm starved, let me call Scott and the others and we can all go to that diner down the road that you like," Stiles replies, lips stretched in a grin and excitement obvious in his eyes.

Derek almost corrects him but after seeing how excited seeing everyone made stiles, can't bring himself to it and instead lets out a half-hearted "don't call me dude."

10\. you're like a candy bar, half sweet, half nuts

Derek had gone almost two weeks without trying to use a pick up line on Stiles, two weeks of trying to match the perfect line to the perfect situation.

Of course, there would never be the perfect situation, but Derek didn't know that.

Derek thought that the perfect time would be while relaxing on Stiles' bed reading a book while Stiles does homework and borderline fellates a snickers bar.

"Stiles, you're like a candy bar, half sweet, half nuts," Derek says trying to keep the arousal induced roughness out of his voice.

"Nuts? really man? you're sitting there on my bed reading my books while I've been up all night helping you with your big bads no I don't get a chance to do my homework until literally hours before its due, and you have the audacity, you know what, just leave, I'm sleep-deprived and cranky and can't deal with your rudeness today," Stiles rants and grumbles from his place at his desk.

"shit," Derek muttered to himself, "that's not what I meant," Derek then says before throwing himself out of the open window before he could be further confronted by the young Stilinski man.

At this point, Derek was left pacing the loft wondering how on earth he'd somehow managed to make Stiles like him even less rather than more like he'd hoped.

Stiles, only a couple miles away had slumped over at his desk with a highlighter marking up his cheek, hours later he would sit up in surprise as he realises, Derek hale had just used a pickup line on him. And he'd responded by kicking him out.

+1. kiss me if I'm wrong, but werewolves arent real

Derek's decided. If this doesn't work, he's giving up and trying a new tactic. It's the final pack night before Christmas and everyone was setting up for the dinner feast that was going to be held there the following day.

Having given up on subtlety, Derek approaches stiles, nerves being so heavily exuded from the man that even the wolves two rooms over could smell them.

This of course lead to an only marginally subtle audience.

"hey stiles, kiss me if I'm wrong -" Derek finds himself cut off once again, this time was different, however. This time he was cut off, not by rambling words but instead by the soft press of lips usually forming those rambling words against his own.

"You usually are," Stiles says with a smile when they finally break apart surrounded now by the surprised cheers of their pack and a couple of exclamations of 'finally.'

Later that night, when it was just the two of them, Stiles would fall off the couch cackling as derek finally gets to say and explain all of his pick up lines and stiles remembers accidentally cutting him off time after time.

It's thankfully something they laugh at for many years to come and four years later when the two of them are standing at the alter stiles would start his vows with "I may not be the wedding photographer, but I can picture us together forever," paired with that mischievous smile of his only to end them with "hey, I like your last name can I take it?"

Thanks to the help of Buzzfeed and the many bad pick up lines provided, the Stilinski-Hales lived happily ever after.


End file.
